Wade the Gringo

Thursday, September 23, 2010


We just returned (barely) from the worst cruise ever on the Carnival Legglorictorumph. From the moment we arrived at the pier, we knew we were in for trouble. We waited to get off the bus from the airport when we noticed one of the porters opening our suitcase and rifling through it, I ran out to see what he was doing and was shocked when he told me that he “knew” that we weren’t going to give him an adequate tip so he was going to take something of equal value. I then threatened to report him to the cruise line when he said that if I did, I would never see any of my luggage ever again.

When we entered the terminal the lines were huge and most of the people smelled funny. It took over four hours to get through the scanners and another six to get our sign and sail cards. We were also subjected to cavity searches and warned that if they found any alcohol in our suitcases that we would do hard time. By the time we were finally finished, the ship was pulling away from the pier so I had to throw my wife and mother-in-law across the gap and just made the jump myself while carrying three carry-on bags, a wheelchair and an oxygen tank. No one helped us at all, except for one cleaning lady who helped me to my feet and gave me a quick hug. About five minutes later I found that my wallet was missing!

The food was horrible, I’ve tasted better at the Russian gulag I spent three years in the 1980’s! The shrimp cocktail was still moving when I tried to eat it and a melting chocolate cake at the next table to us exploded, killing three people. 528 and a half people butted in front of us at the buffet line and all the items were gone except for the tuna surprise when we finally got to the stations.

The first night of the cruise, the captain got lost and instead of arriving at St. Thomas, the BOAT pulled into San Francisco! We were told that this would be a minor setback and we would be back on route quickly, but no one was allowed to get off at the port due to an outbreak of scurvy in California.

The cabin we selected was too small and every night the toilet and sink would back-up and overflow and leave three feet of water in the room. The door to the balcony didn’t open, but that was a good thing because the railing and the deck were both missing after the second night.

When we woke up on the fourth morning, we noticed that the ship had sunk and no one bothered to let us know. Thank God for the oxygen tank we brought! I called down to the pursers desk to find out what was being done to remedy this new catastrophe and was told that the crew were busily chewing all the gum they could find to make a huge wad to patch up the holes. We were then commanded to get in the lifeboats and help with the raising of the ship. We were each given 200 drink straws, told to put them together end-to-end and direct them to the holes in the hull. We then had to blow air back into the ship and bring it back up from the deeps. This meant that we would not be able to make our shore excursion (which would have sucked anyway). All this time, the crew we sitting around in inner-tubes drinking frozen cocktails laughing at the passengers.

When we finally reached the next port, we were all told that we all had to get off the ship and find our own way home and that Carnival appreciated our business but there would be no refunds, no on-board credits and no assistance in paying for our flights home.

This kind of thing would never happen on RCCL/NCL/Princess etc.

The crew sucked, the ship sucked, the food sucked, the passengers sucked, the entertainment sucked, and all you people that like Carnival suck too!

I will never cruise with THIS cruise line again. Be warned everything I said is true!

.... oh wait I forgot the caveat...

I have taken 16,294 cruises with other cruise lines and never have I had a single problem ever, until I sailed Carnival!

See, I knew I could write an awesome cruise review!!!

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